Blessed in 2019
January 28, 2020
I’ve been looking back on last year, and thinking about the many changes of 2019. During 2019, I tried the Ketogenic Diet with great success for my health, but only marginal success for my weight. During 2019, I started a full-time art career that I never expected to be more than a hobby, much-less flourish. During 2019, I made a number of new friends, and lost several old ones. During 2019, I lost my beloved Uncle Bernie, and I got to have the first family vacation we’ve ever had. During 2019, I took my first trip out-of-state in 20 years, and proved to myself that I can make a long trip, as long as I take the proper care, and have four or five days to rest on either end. During 2019, I forgot everything I’d learned over years of living with Fibromyalgia, and had my first major, ongoing flareup in more years than I can count. During 2019, I got to spend a lot of time at Disney, proving to myself once more that one cannot merely exist – one must also be HAPPY.
During 2019, I learned to trust myself more, I came to understand my strengths and weaknesses better, I experienced loss and heartache, and such amazing joy and surprise that I often feared I was dreaming. I learned that what held me back from focusing on an art career, and having 20 years behind me as an artist, was my own outlook. I let people talk me out of being an artist years ago, and became an accountant instead. When life forced me to stop being an accountant, instead of picking up an art career, I tried to branch into game development. Did I branch into game development as an artist – the place I had the most talent and experience? No. I went into game development as a programmer, looking at the art of others around me, and finding myself wanting.
During 2019, I discovered a very simple error I’d been making all of my life, which, when corrected caused my drawing skills to improve so dramatically, I was astonished.
I learned to be more patient with my family, and to stick up for myself in, hopefully, more tactful and less-beligerant ways. I began to see the word around me with different eyes, looking through a lens of everyone else’s feelings, and wondering where I fit into this mess of a world. I evolved. I gained a greater sense of self, a fuller understanding of who I am, and what I want. I became Self Aware, almost as if I never had been.
For the upcoming year, I have some Big Goals. I may bite off more than I can chew. This is common with me. I’d rather dream big and fall a little, than play-it-safe and never reach the plateau, much-less have a chance of reaching for the stars. I’m not as afraid as I used to be. I’ve learned that in the place between Fear and Excitement, great things can happen.
I may not get everything I want for the future. I’m still lonely, and I still struggle with my health. I still have to manage my time and my energy wisely, count my spoons, and play the long game where I tally every day of action against at least one day of rest. This last year took a lot away from me, knocked me down for my cockiness, and lifted me up in ways I never thought possible. I am still here, and I am still trying. I will succeed at some things and fail at others. I will love, I will get angry, and I will cry tears of frustration, but through it all, I will still feel blessed.