That’s a question I’m pondering a lot lately. I’m watching the Olympics, and the athletes are SO incredible. They bring dreams to life. They have drive. Fortitude. Passion. They bring beauty and hope to the screen.
It’s made me realize: I don’t really have any dreams.
A dream is something bigger than yourself. It fuels your thoughts and feelings. It drives you forward. When shared with the world, it becomes bigger and bigger, offering hope to others.
There are things on my bucket list but I don’t consider them dreams. They have no effect on others and don’t serve as inspiration.
There are people out there with DREAMS. Their dreams fuel them, keep them going, even when it seems impossible. Their dreams give hope to others who watch them, making them believe that they can do the same, if they just dream big enough. They have DREAMS. Where are mine?
When I look at my life now, it reminds me of something William Shatner said during the Captain’s Closeup. He said that in order to love, you have to be healthy. That you have to have enough for yourself, in order to have the extra that’s really required to give love to someone else. That when you’re not healthy, your energy is focused on survival, and therefore isn’t free for anything else. Maybe, there’s just no room for dreams?
I don’t want this to sound maudlin, it’s more… surprising than anything. I didn’t realize that I’d lost the ability to dream. All of the things that I want seem trivial compared to the dreams I see around me, but their pursuit consume me. I want to stop getting sick every three or four months. I want to increase my stamina, so that I’m able to be out of the house more than eight hours a week without feeling like I’m falling apart. I want to spend less time lonely, and more time with my family and friends. I want to bring money in, so that I can stop being a burden on the people who love me. I want to love, and to be loved.
Maybe those are all the things that I need for survival, and because I’m so focused on them, there’s no room for anything else? Maybe, just getting through today – this moment – with grace and a smile requires so much energy, that as Shatner has said, there’s no room for anything else?
I hope that’s not true, but I suppose that whether it is or it isn’t, it doesn’t really change things for me. I can’t seem to make anything like a dream come out of thin air. You have to FEEL a dream. You can’t just decide to have one. So regardless of whether I can make a dream or not, I still have to muddle through the everyday grind. All I can do, is keep trying to smile, keep trying to be poised and at peace, and hopefully share that with other people through my writing. I hold the hope that at least my struggles will help someone else to feel better.